There was a time many years ago around Christmas, where I came to the end of myself.
I remember laying on my bed, my sixteen year old self, and thinking I really had no reason to go on. I was so tired of everything, I was sick of the way my life was. I wanted meaning to my existence beyond whatever explanation I was getting from mainstream society.
My life changed after that night, because instead of selling my soul to the devil like Robert Johnson, I sold my soul to Jesus.
It was a pretty serious event to me. I was waking up every day and praying. My life consisted of a lot of prayer, I was very heavenly minded I guess you could say. I was on my knees asking God for help. For the first time I saw the world in an entirely different light. I began to be quite passionate about saving the lost and missions. All I wanted to think about was God. It was a dramatic conversion for me.
Yet I was naive and ignorant of many things. As most sixteen year old are I thought I had it all figured out. Like most, I soon got weary of following Christ and His ways. It's hard to follow a God you cannot see, or audibly hear. I have had a very, very, rough eleven years since then. I could have never fathomed all the pain and difficult times heading my way. I was clueless back then, as to how my future would be. But I had a lot of faith. Faith that God was real and beside me always. I believed he could hear me, see me and that he cared for me. I believed that every day that I awoke was another day that God would speak to me somehow. That he would give me sign or a word from heaven.
But the world is cold isn't it? Full of suffering and death, unimaginable tragedies. Life wears us down and becomes drudgery at times.
Some where along the way my faith has been dieing. I could probably pin point when and how. But over time my faith has eroded.
This past month however I feel that God has actually been trying to reach me in many different ways.
But just in the past couple of days at least two things strike me.
One is that it has been very difficult for me to want to listen to the Bible anymore. Sometimes the Bible can become irrelevant to me when it doesn't jive with how I feel. Because of this the things I used to never consider OK, are now OK. I justify it because I have lost faith that God cares, or sees, or even understands me.
The other night I went to a friends house and she showed me this box she had with "angel cards" in it. Basically its a box of virtues. That particular day I was ready to give up on trying to listen to God, on trying to do it His way. There were many cards in that box and when I closed my eyes and drew one, mostly for amusement, my smile turned sober quickly.
the card I drew was "obedience". I have had certain things going on in my life right now that I am not too happy about. Let's just say its been hard to obey the God that is supposedly my King. When I drew that card I didn't feel it was a coincidence. I felt that God used that situation to tell me something.
The very next day as I was being tempted almost beyond what I could emotionally bear I remembered that card. Obedience.
But now that I was trying to obey I felt sad and hopeless. I was sitting on my couch tonight after putting the kids to bed just thinking how far from God I felt. At that moment my phone rang and it was a friend that I actually haven't talked to on the phone for a very long time.She called to tell me she was at a concert at her church and a former American Idol contestant that I had once rooted for was there. She added that there was another concert coming there and it was Michelle Tumes. I sort of coughed out , What did you say?
She repeated Michelle Tumes is coming here on Sunday.
Wow.
Michelle Tumes is not a well known artist as far as I know. But when I was sixteen and I first gave my life over to God I used to listen to her every single day and her music brought so much comfort to my soul it was unbelievable. I haven't even listened to her since then. So after I hung up the phone I got on myspace and looked her up. As I turned on her once familiar music I just put my head down and cried. It was a good cry and I felt very at peace and I truly felt that God was reminding me of a time long ago when I had true faith in Him and a time where I was peace.
There is a verse in the Bible that talks about God speaking.
I kings 19- Then He said, “Go out, and stand on the mountain before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; 1 and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice. "
Now back then I think God actually spoke audibly to people. But today I think we can easily apply this to our own lives. God doesn't always have neon signs on the streets of life telling us exactly what we need to hear. But I firmly believe that if we have faith He will answer us. In small ways. Not always. But my experience with God has been that there definitely seems to be seasons where every where we look it seems He is there. I think I am in that season right now. There has been so much happening lately that seems to be God actually intervening in a tangible way in my life. I am very grateful for this, because I need that comfort right now.
I was watching C.S. Lewis's Prince Caspian the other night with my kids. There is a part where only Lucy sees Aslan while the others that are older and supposedly wiser see nothing.
C.S. Lewis wrote those books to be a reflection of our faith in God. Aslan represents Christ.
How many times do I not see God because I simply just expect He will not be there, or is not there? My faith is little and so I am not open to God working because I don't believe He is working period. But when I have faith, when I believe and put my doubts aside and refuse to give in to mere emotions and instead obey, I notice that sometimes God meets me there, not in an earthquake, or in the wind, not with all the answers for my life- but in a still, small voice.
I remember laying on my bed, my sixteen year old self, and thinking I really had no reason to go on. I was so tired of everything, I was sick of the way my life was. I wanted meaning to my existence beyond whatever explanation I was getting from mainstream society.
My life changed after that night, because instead of selling my soul to the devil like Robert Johnson, I sold my soul to Jesus.
It was a pretty serious event to me. I was waking up every day and praying. My life consisted of a lot of prayer, I was very heavenly minded I guess you could say. I was on my knees asking God for help. For the first time I saw the world in an entirely different light. I began to be quite passionate about saving the lost and missions. All I wanted to think about was God. It was a dramatic conversion for me.
Yet I was naive and ignorant of many things. As most sixteen year old are I thought I had it all figured out. Like most, I soon got weary of following Christ and His ways. It's hard to follow a God you cannot see, or audibly hear. I have had a very, very, rough eleven years since then. I could have never fathomed all the pain and difficult times heading my way. I was clueless back then, as to how my future would be. But I had a lot of faith. Faith that God was real and beside me always. I believed he could hear me, see me and that he cared for me. I believed that every day that I awoke was another day that God would speak to me somehow. That he would give me sign or a word from heaven.
But the world is cold isn't it? Full of suffering and death, unimaginable tragedies. Life wears us down and becomes drudgery at times.
Some where along the way my faith has been dieing. I could probably pin point when and how. But over time my faith has eroded.
This past month however I feel that God has actually been trying to reach me in many different ways.
But just in the past couple of days at least two things strike me.
One is that it has been very difficult for me to want to listen to the Bible anymore. Sometimes the Bible can become irrelevant to me when it doesn't jive with how I feel. Because of this the things I used to never consider OK, are now OK. I justify it because I have lost faith that God cares, or sees, or even understands me.
The other night I went to a friends house and she showed me this box she had with "angel cards" in it. Basically its a box of virtues. That particular day I was ready to give up on trying to listen to God, on trying to do it His way. There were many cards in that box and when I closed my eyes and drew one, mostly for amusement, my smile turned sober quickly.
the card I drew was "obedience". I have had certain things going on in my life right now that I am not too happy about. Let's just say its been hard to obey the God that is supposedly my King. When I drew that card I didn't feel it was a coincidence. I felt that God used that situation to tell me something.
The very next day as I was being tempted almost beyond what I could emotionally bear I remembered that card. Obedience.
But now that I was trying to obey I felt sad and hopeless. I was sitting on my couch tonight after putting the kids to bed just thinking how far from God I felt. At that moment my phone rang and it was a friend that I actually haven't talked to on the phone for a very long time.She called to tell me she was at a concert at her church and a former American Idol contestant that I had once rooted for was there. She added that there was another concert coming there and it was Michelle Tumes. I sort of coughed out , What did you say?
She repeated Michelle Tumes is coming here on Sunday.
Wow.
Michelle Tumes is not a well known artist as far as I know. But when I was sixteen and I first gave my life over to God I used to listen to her every single day and her music brought so much comfort to my soul it was unbelievable. I haven't even listened to her since then. So after I hung up the phone I got on myspace and looked her up. As I turned on her once familiar music I just put my head down and cried. It was a good cry and I felt very at peace and I truly felt that God was reminding me of a time long ago when I had true faith in Him and a time where I was peace.
There is a verse in the Bible that talks about God speaking.
I kings 19- Then He said, “Go out, and stand on the mountain before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; 1 and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice. "
Now back then I think God actually spoke audibly to people. But today I think we can easily apply this to our own lives. God doesn't always have neon signs on the streets of life telling us exactly what we need to hear. But I firmly believe that if we have faith He will answer us. In small ways. Not always. But my experience with God has been that there definitely seems to be seasons where every where we look it seems He is there. I think I am in that season right now. There has been so much happening lately that seems to be God actually intervening in a tangible way in my life. I am very grateful for this, because I need that comfort right now.
I was watching C.S. Lewis's Prince Caspian the other night with my kids. There is a part where only Lucy sees Aslan while the others that are older and supposedly wiser see nothing.
C.S. Lewis wrote those books to be a reflection of our faith in God. Aslan represents Christ.
How many times do I not see God because I simply just expect He will not be there, or is not there? My faith is little and so I am not open to God working because I don't believe He is working period. But when I have faith, when I believe and put my doubts aside and refuse to give in to mere emotions and instead obey, I notice that sometimes God meets me there, not in an earthquake, or in the wind, not with all the answers for my life- but in a still, small voice.
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