Noah, Maisie, Elijah, and I in an orchard near my house....
I stood there looking at their chubby cheeks and smiling faces, cut out from pictures and taped to the cubbies. They were two, three and five years of age. Some faces looked forlorn and sort of reminded me of the ones you'd see on the back of a milk carton. But these children weren't missing, they were just at daycare. I was standing there contemplating whether Maisie and Noah's pictures would soon be up there to. I saw a father pick up his son, the little boy reluctant to leave as he contentedly sucked on a lollipop and watched the television. I wondered if he was happier at home or there. The women who ran the day care out of her home seemed kind enough. She explained to me how attached she felt to some of the kids and how she just had to say goodbye to one that had a terrible home life.The house was clean but needed a little help. I wasn't impressed by the garage with the fluorescent lights converted into a child's playroom. The kitchen seemed small and I was trying to picture Maisie and Noah happy there without me. As she finished the tour I felt a little apprehensive about the whole thing. I left with a friendly goodbye knowing in my heart I could never leave my kids there for any amount of hours. To explain why I was even there in the first place you'd have to hear about the rest of my day . . .
Earlier that day I had been having a personal break down. I was consumed with thoughts that I had wasted the best years of my life. Being married at the young and naive age of 19 has plagued me in a way. I was quick to become dependent upon a man and have babies. Blame it on my dysfunctional family that never taught me independence, blame it on my idealistic beliefs at the time, somewhere in my adolescent mind I convinced myself that getting married at such a young age was normal. So, I have now been a stay at home mom for almost seven years.
For whatever reason that particular day, before I was ever standing at the daycare, I was ready to run out the door of my own home. If I saw one more Cheerio stuck on the couch covers, if I heard one more whine about having to pee, if I had to wipe one more butt, or get one more glass of water I was going to scream. It could have been PMS, it could have been the fact that my husband has been studying day and night for grad school, I don't know. But that day I lost it. I was walking around the house crying ,while my three year old Noah frantically colored pictures of the Hulk for me in his coloring book in order to cheer me up.
I kept thinking "forget this"! "I give up"! "Who was I fooling to to think I could actually be a stay at home mom?" I began to scheme a way of escape in my head as the kids crawled up the walls and sorted through the already messy laundry pile. Maybe I'd get a part time job at . . .I don't know . . A coffee house, a pet store, something, anything to get some time away! To feel I've accomplished something more then making dinner and fixing a broken toy. Or maybe I should just focus on school. I have no degree.I've never been to college and its amazing how awkward life is socially when you don't even have a BA or a BS or a PHD. How humiliated I sometimes feel when people ask my occupation and I say I am a stay at home mom .I think of myself as lower on the spectrum of the modern day women. I have all the ambition of a young successful women, but feel I have no outlet. All of these thoughts were racing through my head that day when my unsuspecting husband, oblivious to my thoughts, walks into the door with a smile on his face. I was so mad at the time I wanted to slap him. Of course it wasn't his fault. He had just returned from a long day at the university he attends. While he works his way up from a Masters to a PSYD, I can sometimes feel a bit left out and envious, as I stay at home and fold socks and wipe at runny noses. I was feeling the need to be powerful, successful, or gain some worth in this world. Needless to say he was the victim of my terrible day at home. I spitefully announced that I'd be getting a full time job and leaving Noah and Maisie at daycare. He raised his eyebrows at the idea, but said that he supported me if I really thought that was what I needed and if I was that depressed with being a stay at home mother. He also reminded me of my value as a mother and questioned my motives for wanting to get a job. However much his questions stirred up my own, fixated on my new idea of success, that very hour I put on my shoes and headed out the door to find job applications. All the while I was thinking of not seeing Maisie, Noah and Elijah for most my day. I missed their grubby little faces already. The feelings of doubt began to sink in. And after my tour at the daycare I decided I probably just needed to take a deep breath and re-evaluated what I thought.
As I searched for job apps I stopped by Borders to find a birthday gift for a friend of mine. As I scanned the shelves for something interesting my eyes stopped upon a journal for mothers. I opened it up to the first page and tears met my eyes as I read the following poem from a man to his mother;
You wrote no lofty poems
That critics counted art,
But with a nobler vision
You lived them in your heart.
You carved no shapeless marble
To some high soul design.
But with a finer sculpture
You shaped this soul of mine.
You built no great cathedrals
That centuries applaud;
But with a grace exquisite
Your life cathedraled God.
Thomas Fessenden
As the tears came to my eyes I resolved right then and there to be a better mother and to be a mother that had joy for what she did. Sure I was still a little sad but I was reminded of the greater things in life. The heart within each child of mine.Suddenly all the laughter of my children and all the memories I had of them running around the house came back to me. Did I really want to leave that behind? After all, I only have three years left of this, and then they'll be off to school and I'll never be able to live these days again. Their hands will never be as small for holding and their hearts not nearly as impressionable and vulnerable, as right now. I didn't want to give that up for a part time job or a few more college credits. For now I am going to once again venture into my mother hood with the determination to love my children more then I love myself. I realize that society doesn't always recognize true success and if I can raise my children to be good people, to love God, to love others, then that is more fulfilling then any degree I could ever earn, or any resume I could ever create. If I can display God to them through my love, then that is what truly matters. Their hearts are everlasting, while this world and all that is in it is quickly fading away . . .After all who else is there to mold their little hearts and minds? . . .Ok, back to Cheerios and laundry.
Earlier that day I had been having a personal break down. I was consumed with thoughts that I had wasted the best years of my life. Being married at the young and naive age of 19 has plagued me in a way. I was quick to become dependent upon a man and have babies. Blame it on my dysfunctional family that never taught me independence, blame it on my idealistic beliefs at the time, somewhere in my adolescent mind I convinced myself that getting married at such a young age was normal. So, I have now been a stay at home mom for almost seven years.
For whatever reason that particular day, before I was ever standing at the daycare, I was ready to run out the door of my own home. If I saw one more Cheerio stuck on the couch covers, if I heard one more whine about having to pee, if I had to wipe one more butt, or get one more glass of water I was going to scream. It could have been PMS, it could have been the fact that my husband has been studying day and night for grad school, I don't know. But that day I lost it. I was walking around the house crying ,while my three year old Noah frantically colored pictures of the Hulk for me in his coloring book in order to cheer me up.
I kept thinking "forget this"! "I give up"! "Who was I fooling to to think I could actually be a stay at home mom?" I began to scheme a way of escape in my head as the kids crawled up the walls and sorted through the already messy laundry pile. Maybe I'd get a part time job at . . .I don't know . . A coffee house, a pet store, something, anything to get some time away! To feel I've accomplished something more then making dinner and fixing a broken toy. Or maybe I should just focus on school. I have no degree.I've never been to college and its amazing how awkward life is socially when you don't even have a BA or a BS or a PHD. How humiliated I sometimes feel when people ask my occupation and I say I am a stay at home mom .I think of myself as lower on the spectrum of the modern day women. I have all the ambition of a young successful women, but feel I have no outlet. All of these thoughts were racing through my head that day when my unsuspecting husband, oblivious to my thoughts, walks into the door with a smile on his face. I was so mad at the time I wanted to slap him. Of course it wasn't his fault. He had just returned from a long day at the university he attends. While he works his way up from a Masters to a PSYD, I can sometimes feel a bit left out and envious, as I stay at home and fold socks and wipe at runny noses. I was feeling the need to be powerful, successful, or gain some worth in this world. Needless to say he was the victim of my terrible day at home. I spitefully announced that I'd be getting a full time job and leaving Noah and Maisie at daycare. He raised his eyebrows at the idea, but said that he supported me if I really thought that was what I needed and if I was that depressed with being a stay at home mother. He also reminded me of my value as a mother and questioned my motives for wanting to get a job. However much his questions stirred up my own, fixated on my new idea of success, that very hour I put on my shoes and headed out the door to find job applications. All the while I was thinking of not seeing Maisie, Noah and Elijah for most my day. I missed their grubby little faces already. The feelings of doubt began to sink in. And after my tour at the daycare I decided I probably just needed to take a deep breath and re-evaluated what I thought.
As I searched for job apps I stopped by Borders to find a birthday gift for a friend of mine. As I scanned the shelves for something interesting my eyes stopped upon a journal for mothers. I opened it up to the first page and tears met my eyes as I read the following poem from a man to his mother;
You wrote no lofty poems
That critics counted art,
But with a nobler vision
You lived them in your heart.
You carved no shapeless marble
To some high soul design.
But with a finer sculpture
You shaped this soul of mine.
You built no great cathedrals
That centuries applaud;
But with a grace exquisite
Your life cathedraled God.
Thomas Fessenden
As the tears came to my eyes I resolved right then and there to be a better mother and to be a mother that had joy for what she did. Sure I was still a little sad but I was reminded of the greater things in life. The heart within each child of mine.Suddenly all the laughter of my children and all the memories I had of them running around the house came back to me. Did I really want to leave that behind? After all, I only have three years left of this, and then they'll be off to school and I'll never be able to live these days again. Their hands will never be as small for holding and their hearts not nearly as impressionable and vulnerable, as right now. I didn't want to give that up for a part time job or a few more college credits. For now I am going to once again venture into my mother hood with the determination to love my children more then I love myself. I realize that society doesn't always recognize true success and if I can raise my children to be good people, to love God, to love others, then that is more fulfilling then any degree I could ever earn, or any resume I could ever create. If I can display God to them through my love, then that is what truly matters. Their hearts are everlasting, while this world and all that is in it is quickly fading away . . .After all who else is there to mold their little hearts and minds? . . .Ok, back to Cheerios and laundry.
1 comment:
What beautiful post and what beautiful kids! I'm sure that your "revelation" has made you a better mom and your family can see and appreciate your new desire to give them your best.
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