Full circle

Things come full circle again,
am I that girl still?
Fifteen and wrapped with insecurities,
Stale cigarettes and tired melodies,
nostalgic outings of the mind,
reality's come and gone and lost.
Somewhere in time. . . .
Frenzied and reckless,
sitting here again and wondering,"why"?
Still have the scars on my arm,
I can see them in the setting sun,
and there's still a few beneath.
When did I last bend my knees?
How did I arrive here so embittered?
Did I ever have a chance?
On the outside I am "mama","honey",
ordinary citizen, bordering on mundane,
inside I am that girl again.
Polished skin and tarnished heart,
tough and soft, all at once,
Is there anyone to hold me?
I run my hands through someone else's tangles,
and wipe away someone else's tears,
catching them midway,
as if to say they never existed.
I hold my own till night falls.
I am still a child inside.
When did everyone decide it was ok
to rely on me?
Sometimes it seems like there is a secret audience,
watching me fail.
Maybe I imagine that to be God.
I'm still sitting on the train tracks with
an Arizona tea and a blow pop in hand,
staring in the eyes of love,
watching a tired woman and her children,
and vowing to never become her.
And yet I have...
I'm picking up used cigarettes off the dirty
streets like candy,
I'm dreaming that everything is about to change,
that I am teetering on the edge of ecstasy.
I'm sitting in drainage pipes,singing songs to God,
I'm pouring equal parts of ink and blood on paper.
I'm cradling my guitar, that now lies in dust..
I am free,unchained, and only slightly jaded.
Ah,the gifts of youth,when ignorance was bliss.
I am naive and foolish.
I am her all over again.
There's always more then meets the eye..